Hernandez Killed a Guy, But Gronk’s Still a Douche

hi-res-134182477_crop_northBy Paul Mancano

If you were to ask me 6 weeks ago who the worst human being on the Patriots roster was, I wouldn’t say Aaron Hernandez. I wouldn’t say Tom Brady. I wouldn’t even say Stephen Gostkowski. I would say Rob Gronkowski.

If you were to tell me 6 weeks ago that a Patriots tight end was about to disgrace the team by doing something really illegal, then getting caught super easily, I wouldn’t have hesitated to say it would be Gronk.

Of all the Patriots tight ends, Gronk is by far the douchiest.

I mean, just look at him.


Total doucher, am I right?

Sure, he broke the NFL record for most touchdowns by a tight end in 2011. And sure, we all wish we had him on our Fantasy team because he’s probably the best TE in the league, but every time he scores he does the “Gronk spike,” perhaps the most uncreative touchdown dance since T.O. put the football on the Cowboys’ star. The way he uncoordinatedly throws down the football like he just won the fucking Super Bowl makes any God-fearing viewer want to stand up and punch a hole in their TV.

Here are some of the dick things Gronk has done in the past few years:

1. Danced shirtless in a bar after the Pats lost to the Giants in Super Bowl XLVI

2. Plays for the Patriots

3. Said he would fuck Tebow “to take his virginity”

4. Was in an E:60 episode that would do any show on the Lifetime channel proud

5. Danced shirtless again – probably re-broke his arm

6. Is Rob Gronkowski

7. Took pics of himself with a porn star

And here are some of the dick things Aaron Hernandez has done in that time:

1. Punched a guy in high school, but like, that’s a tough time for young people

2. Beat his fiancée, if you take her word for it

3. Maybe killed a guy once or something

7 to 3. Numbers don’t lie.

Now I’m not equating the preppy fashion sense, the huge 90s steroid head, and the asshole tendencies of Rob Gronkowski to the cold-blooded nature of a murderer, but, c’mon, he totally deserves to get fucked up. Deep down we all wish it were Gronk and not Hernandez on trial for first-degree murder. We all wish we could be the judge looking right into that dick’s eyes as we sentence him to life in prison.

But we can’t. Instead, we have to watch as the less douchey, nicer, and probably more ethical Patriots tight end is put away for life, while Rob Gronkowski and George Zimmerman walk hand-in-hand down the sidewalk as free men.

The image at the beginning of this post is copyrighted and belongs to the NFL. Its use on this website falls under fair use of US Copyright laws. No infringement is intended.

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